Please end this please end this before it ends us, ends us, ends us
I want to stay inside
I want to stay inside for good
It’s been a struggle to get into a working headspace at home. I don’t really have a dedicated studio area (city centre flats are not renowned for being spacious) and what little I’ve scrounged is still full of distractions. Nevertheless, on Tuesday night I attempted a start. My process, to begin with, is almost action painting, I put blobs of colour on the surface, and then attempt to blend and smear them out. I don’t actually know what this first layer is going to look like until I’ve finished. This is a new practice for me, as before I started University, I always started with a shape, or a full image to work towards. This is looser and is a much more seat of the pants approach. I have no idea what this work is going to look like until it’s finished. There’s always been an element of that to my work, but never from the get-go.
I wonder if these are too over produced and cluttered, though. That seems to be a part of it, reflecting the mental state of a person in this position, and maybe as I hopefully achieve a clearer view of where I’m going, the works will too? I’d like a cleaner, purer approach, but for now, the mess seems better. Like, I like the clean, flatness of the work now, but I know it must be covered, messed up, made imperfect and damaged. Psychic self portraits.
Ultimately, I don’t feel I’m happy, with myself, or as an artist. This isn’t fulfilling, and I don’t know what is. I feel like I’m just scabbing a wound, and occasionally scratching it a little deeper. My trips to the British Museum and National Gallery stirred nothing in me, I could see the pretty pictures, appreciate the thought and explain why they were the way they were, but it was just a cold analytical experience, and I feel that about my own work at the moment.
It’s not enough. And I don’t know what is.
So feeling a little lost, I return
to my sketchbook and work on something, that seems to call a little closer to
me. I don’t know if it will go anywhere,
but it is a little more representational, and I feel that is something that I
might need to bring back into my work, the illustrative side. It’s not good, but it’s a start.
