I am struggling right now. Overwhelmed and angry. Lonely and sad. The days stretch away filled with emptiness, and that doesn't even make sense. I feel so very lost, and uncertain of my place in it all. I hate myself and everything about me, and the fact that nothing ever changes me. I can't go out. I have no outside to go to. My neighbour checked in on me and told me I look like a caveman and that's the only real human contact I've had in months. I'm not good at talking to people, and online interaction doesn't feel real. I miss having another soul around me. A specific soul? I talk to people in my head, a memory made manifest, except it's not a memory because it never happened. A longing made memory, fantasies of a life that even before this pandemic I had been forced to lose. And maybe would have remained that way but for a chance encounter.
I'm losing myself in all this. I don't even drink to stave off the loneliness and boredom anymore. I'm too poor, or at least, I'm afraid of being too poor. The threat of being cut off from the government safety net looms large and I am rationing out what is an 'acceptable' spend, yet I find myself comfort eating and spending more than I should, or what I feel I should. And so, I hate myself some more.
I hate my neediness, my constant need for validation, to be told that not just I matter, but that what I do is good. And even then, top tier good. I have to be the best. And told it. Such a fragile ego.
Honestly, I don't even feel like I'm a very good person with all this. How can I?
I don't know myself very well. I feel like... you know when you meet someone for the first time and they just give that vaguely unsettling feeling? You don't like them, don't trust them, but you don't know why? That's how I feel about myself all the time. Constantly second guessing myself and trying to be all things for all people because I don't have a sense of self to anchor to.
I don't know how long I'll post this for, or even if I will.
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