I'm not here to paint pretty pictures

So yeah, art philosophy problems creeping up on me again. Allow me a ramble, as I get thoughts out of my head and onto light.

I fervently believe that art should have a message, a point beyond 'look at the pretty picture' and tend to be very dismissive of any art that does not fit into that.

And yet, and yet, I feel that I am as guilty of falling into the trap of making pretty art. Or at least art that might just 'look' that way, unless you understand the reasons behind it. And I am not good at letting the reasons behind my work out into the world. Should art require homework? Homework that the artist may not have made available?

Art is interpretation, and each person interprets art differently. I am not content with that, I am trying to impart a feeling, an emotion, a disquiet or disconnect. Impose an interpretation without forcing it?

Compromise my vision? No, as egotistical as that may sound. Art as a way of showing myself to the world, begging for understanding, but never giving the viewer the clues they need to unlock the meaning, the message the feeling? Sounds about right.

And now I take an extra level in obfuscation. Titles, where given, are now being written in a sort of.. techspeak? A mixture of letters numbers and symbols. It's all very Reanimation. Not a place I thought I'd take inspiration...

Paintings a grungy industrial ethics and shiny cyberpunk titling. Drawings of missing memories and emotions and feelings, a stolen kiss you can still feel in the darkest hour. Sounds and music, noises and samples and abusive figures. Spinning circles coiled tighter than an ouroboros, dancing in the gaps between time. Where are we all, in the end? Anyway. Art as message, as meaning. Am I wrong to think this? And why is my message so overwhelmingly "Someone please understand me"

One of the reasons, I think, that I've liked the red works of Rothko. Works of such infinite depth and complexity, when I first saw it it was like being engulfed, smothered in warmth and sensual suppression. A pleasure almost physical that I have tried to find in the rest of my life and experience with the people around me.

I came close to finding this peace once. And I don't even know if I trust that memory. Memories are fickle, they fade, they change. Hence the place my drawings have gone.

While thinking of Rothko, I found this. In it, the actor Alfred Molina plays Rothko and says so much better than I what I am trying to create.

Pithy Title

The art grows difficult.  It swings from feeling like I'm exposing myself too much, to not being personal, to being just a step away from pornography.

I mean, I'm dealing with a theme that justifies this, and as art these drawings are fine.  I worry about what other people will think when they see them, that they'll judge me badly and not want to have anything to do with me.

Example 1: How much room for interpretation is there?

And yet.

Still, I'm considering selling prints.  Get me an Etsy store set up, maybe?

I'm running out of images from my muse, and when I just use random images from the internet, it doesn't feel right.  Given I am not in contact with one person and the other is not comfortable with this, I'm not sure where to go next.

I have found a couple of online models who are aesthetically in the right ballpark but I don't have the money to actually work with them, and it feels wrong to use their likenesses for anything other than these sketches.  Even for them, if I'm honest, but needs must.

Meanwhile, moving back into photography...

It's pretty, but not sure where it goes.  Another path to follow, so I've bought another pinwheel to try and progress things.  

The Ace Of Pentacles and The Four Of Swords

This is gonna be a disjointed one.

Lets get the hands thoughts out of the way first.  A  potential problem occurs to me, in that on some of these, the hands don't seem to indicate a complete image. Example: 

This is one distinct image.  I know it is, I drew as such.  And yet, I'm still seeing it as two seperate drawings on one page.  If even my eye is fooled, then what of someone coming at this cold?  

The obvious solution of course, is to connect them somehow.  Maybe add more lines from the body?  

Quick sketch of a solution.

Does this make things too obvious?  The more elements I introduce the less room for interpretation there is.  Is that important?
 Is taking away visual freedom in order to guide the viewer down a path worth it? How far can you take it before it becomes too obvious?  Before the viewer has no paths but the prescribed one?  And yet....

I want to enforce a feeling. But a feeling isn't obvious, at least, not to me.  I don't want to be obvious.  I've never been able to be obvious, or is honest the right term? The risk of overthinking is strong.

Feelings are strange things.  As I may have mentioned previously, I was in London just prior to the Lockdown and looking through the national gallery.  Room after room of famous Important artworks.  And I felt nothing.  Nothing stirred me.  They were just... pictures. I used to feel things from art, and indeed, I remember doing so with a work at the Tate last year, but since then?  

So how do I present these physical feelings in a way that communicates best to a viewer?

So the other thing I need to try and work through.  Matters of consent.  I created art from images taken with a friend.  I had full consent for that, and for the creation of the work.  But she did not like the finished artworks, so I've pulled them.  No worries, no hassle.  That's what consent means.  I'm disappointed that I don't get to show the art, but I'm not disappointed that she wasn't comfortable with it.  

Models Addenum:

"I don’t think non-consent is an issue, photos were taken by him with my consent and therefore owned by him. It wasn’t a case of not liking the finished artworks but not liking the visual representation of myself within them. I’m disabled through chronic illness, a collagen defect means that my joints aren’t held in place properly and so I feel “broken”. The artwork took that further into visual representation, parts of my body not connected to others and very much reinforcing how I feel about myself…”broken”. Being confronted with your inner thoughts in visual form is difficult to content with and so when asked my opinion, the only words I could form were “I don’t like it”.

I don’t think this would be a problem for other models or photos being used as inspiration in this way. I think it’s a very personal issue that most wouldn’t be aware of or consider when creating art like this. I think continuing with this theme is a good idea as it raises awareness of issues like disability and visual representation, and how an individual’s perceptions can be wholly different to intent." 

The problem is, the work I'm creating is based on images I created with someone else.  Who was with me when the source images were taken (obviously) and who also said yes to my creating art from them.  But who doesn't now have the opportunity to give consent to the final outcomes.  Who might not be happy to have themselves exposed in this way.  There isn't any facial recognition involved yet, but the marks are there for those who know what they're looking for.  

I worry about the fallout from this.  Is non-consensual art a thing?  And how will affect things if we were to start talking again?  Part of my reasons for working from these sources is to try and deal with the overwhelming feelings of loss and rejection that I've been left with, but is this right?  To use the images of someones body without them able to give consent to the finalised image?

I don't know.