Pithy Title

The art grows difficult.  It swings from feeling like I'm exposing myself too much, to not being personal, to being just a step away from pornography.

I mean, I'm dealing with a theme that justifies this, and as art these drawings are fine.  I worry about what other people will think when they see them, that they'll judge me badly and not want to have anything to do with me.

Example 1: How much room for interpretation is there?

And yet.

Still, I'm considering selling prints.  Get me an Etsy store set up, maybe?

I'm running out of images from my muse, and when I just use random images from the internet, it doesn't feel right.  Given I am not in contact with one person and the other is not comfortable with this, I'm not sure where to go next.

I have found a couple of online models who are aesthetically in the right ballpark but I don't have the money to actually work with them, and it feels wrong to use their likenesses for anything other than these sketches.  Even for them, if I'm honest, but needs must.

Meanwhile, moving back into photography...

It's pretty, but not sure where it goes.  Another path to follow, so I've bought another pinwheel to try and progress things.  

The Ace Of Pentacles and The Four Of Swords

This is gonna be a disjointed one.

Lets get the hands thoughts out of the way first.  A  potential problem occurs to me, in that on some of these, the hands don't seem to indicate a complete image. Example: 

This is one distinct image.  I know it is, I drew as such.  And yet, I'm still seeing it as two seperate drawings on one page.  If even my eye is fooled, then what of someone coming at this cold?  

The obvious solution of course, is to connect them somehow.  Maybe add more lines from the body?  

Quick sketch of a solution.

Does this make things too obvious?  The more elements I introduce the less room for interpretation there is.  Is that important?
 Is taking away visual freedom in order to guide the viewer down a path worth it? How far can you take it before it becomes too obvious?  Before the viewer has no paths but the prescribed one?  And yet....

I want to enforce a feeling. But a feeling isn't obvious, at least, not to me.  I don't want to be obvious.  I've never been able to be obvious, or is honest the right term? The risk of overthinking is strong.

Feelings are strange things.  As I may have mentioned previously, I was in London just prior to the Lockdown and looking through the national gallery.  Room after room of famous Important artworks.  And I felt nothing.  Nothing stirred me.  They were just... pictures. I used to feel things from art, and indeed, I remember doing so with a work at the Tate last year, but since then?  

So how do I present these physical feelings in a way that communicates best to a viewer?

So the other thing I need to try and work through.  Matters of consent.  I created art from images taken with a friend.  I had full consent for that, and for the creation of the work.  But she did not like the finished artworks, so I've pulled them.  No worries, no hassle.  That's what consent means.  I'm disappointed that I don't get to show the art, but I'm not disappointed that she wasn't comfortable with it.  

Models Addenum:

"I don’t think non-consent is an issue, photos were taken by him with my consent and therefore owned by him. It wasn’t a case of not liking the finished artworks but not liking the visual representation of myself within them. I’m disabled through chronic illness, a collagen defect means that my joints aren’t held in place properly and so I feel “broken”. The artwork took that further into visual representation, parts of my body not connected to others and very much reinforcing how I feel about myself…”broken”. Being confronted with your inner thoughts in visual form is difficult to content with and so when asked my opinion, the only words I could form were “I don’t like it”.

I don’t think this would be a problem for other models or photos being used as inspiration in this way. I think it’s a very personal issue that most wouldn’t be aware of or consider when creating art like this. I think continuing with this theme is a good idea as it raises awareness of issues like disability and visual representation, and how an individual’s perceptions can be wholly different to intent." 

The problem is, the work I'm creating is based on images I created with someone else.  Who was with me when the source images were taken (obviously) and who also said yes to my creating art from them.  But who doesn't now have the opportunity to give consent to the final outcomes.  Who might not be happy to have themselves exposed in this way.  There isn't any facial recognition involved yet, but the marks are there for those who know what they're looking for.  

I worry about the fallout from this.  Is non-consensual art a thing?  And how will affect things if we were to start talking again?  Part of my reasons for working from these sources is to try and deal with the overwhelming feelings of loss and rejection that I've been left with, but is this right?  To use the images of someones body without them able to give consent to the finalised image?

I don't know.

Printmaking

YEAR ONE DAY SEVEN

I didn't take many pictures today.  I thought I had. 

Print room induction today, and introduced to a practice I believe was called Callographing.  It took a a while to get going, as we were making plates from Enviromount, a cheap form of mountboard. The thing with this material is it is made from three distinct layers, so when you have your shape cut out, you can then dig down to those layers, creating different textures as the different qualities of it's construction come to the fore.  And them you can do all the more 'drawing' stuff on top, score lines, make holes, pinpricks.  It is surprisingly malleable.

Then the plates needed varnishing, and let alone for an hour or so to set and make non-porous.

I think I struggled with the initial shapes, I tend to find bold simple lines and not the more subtle textures that my fellow students were able to produce, and then I compounded my error by adding too much ink to the plates on the first try.  I had to stop for a little bit there, and let my mind almost reset and process what I'd done and learn from it.   After watching the rest of the groups first run prints being made, while they started the second runs, my time was spent trying to clean the plates rears of ink.

So I came into my second run late, and it was a more successful try.  After that, I started experimenting, first on a piece that had been created yesterday instead of onto a plain sheet of paper, and then by reprinting onto the same sheet multiple times with the same image, getting a cascadeing and fading effect that I kind of liked.

I'm considering returning at some point later in the week if I have chance.

TFNation 2019

What a ride.

A long weekend, from Thursday to Tuesday full of…well, a lot of things.  One of the best things about TFN is reconnecting with people.  I’m pretty bad at talking to folk online.  I was diagnosed as autistic a year or so back, so that makes sense now.  In a purely text based form of communication, I miss out on what the meaning behind the written words actually is,  I’m better face to face because then I can read body language and pick up context.  So online, I’m… a little quieter.  I watch what everyone is saying, but don’t get involved.  So TFN is my one chance to see and interact with all the cool people like how I want to all year, but can’t.  It is so good to finally hear voices and see smiles and indulge in hugs and jokes and hashtag bantz.

And then the social anxiety kicks in, and I retreat into a lot of what I do online.  Sitting on the outside, not sure of how to react.  Do these people really like me?  Really? It’s hard to overcome, but I try.  I don’t think I let it beat me too much this year but the panic was there.

Also something that was giving me anxiety was the Forge.  I’ve done a lot of prep and work for this year and I’ll be honest…it was preying on my mind.  I just wanted to go in and get set up, so being able to do that on the Friday was a huge relief.  It meant I could relax in the evening, and enjoy the company I found myself in.  Kris and Jim…  I thought I was going to die with all the Robocop variants we came up with, but if there isn’t a RoboLollipop Person (“Dead or alive, you’re crossing with me”) in the works by next years TFN, I will have words!  We spent some time mesmerised by dancers in the corridor and just having a good time.

Did I do panels on Friday?  I know I took part in the quiz.  Nailed a couple of pretty tough questions (‘What colour was the Powerlinx symbol on the leader class toys in Energon’ and ‘Which city did Rung hail from’ being the standouts) but ultimately our team just couldn’t pass the bar.  It was a bloody fun time though.  

Saturday was a blast.  The opening ceremony was cool, and the opening videos just get better and better.  I was actually getting emotional from it.  The double teaming from Stan Bush and Kris Carter was just too much! Then a sprint back to the main hall to try and look around before the doors opened, but I was stopped in my tracks by VA and guest, Brian Drummond, who wanted to buy all my Jetstorm prints for his table.  I gave him a healthy discount, (how could I not?) and when he asked if I could get more printed I think I just about professionally exploded.  I hope I kept it together in front of him, and I hope he managed to shift them all.  He’s a dude, is that one.  That was the first highlight of the weekend, speaking as an artist, but not the last.  

I was pretty worried about the Forge most of the weekend.  We didn’t seem to be selling much.  A few folk came by and nodded or pointed at things but moved on.  Yet somehow at the end of the days, we’d made a fair profit.  Most odd.  Just as an FYI people, I want to do more commissions next year!  Hit me up!  I really enjoy being busy behind the table like that, and it keeps me from feeling like I don’t belong.  I wish I could do it more often.  The company was grand, too, and it would not be as special without Lindsey and Gav, who are great company and adopted the Ziltoid puppet I took as a mascot and because my Twitter avatar is Ziltoid, maybe folks would recognise me from it? 

I think our position in the Forge wasn’t the best.  Opposite the entrance doors people ignored us as they rushed in for toys, and didn’t look back on the way out.  Maybe that’s something to look at next year.  Regardless, the Toy-fu section of the stall fared amazingly well and made, if you’ll excuse the language, a shitton of money for charity, and that’s the main thing.  

Second professional highlight was Marian’s reaction to the t-shirt I’d made, based on the design of one of my prints.  I’ve never had someone have such a visceral reaction to something I’d made before and it was humbling and very, very awesome. And skipping ahead a moment, on the Sunday towards the end of the con, I took some of the unsold sketchbooks and gave them to the guest artists.  All of them asked me to sign the books, and seemed genuinely pleased about receiving them, and EJ gave me a small lesson at his table on how to improve my work.  And if that didn’t blow me away, nothing will.  EJ Su has been one of my inspirations for years, and is the reason I got back into Transformers and drawing them in the first place.  So to have that experience…  yeah… wow.  It also gave me the chance to chat with Nick Roche for the first time in a few years, and to chat with Jack Lawrence for the first time ever, I think.  Andrew Griffith is someone I always enjoy having time with and watching him work, and Kei Zama was amazingly cool to hang (and drink!) with all weekend.  

What else stands out?  The Transformers Animated event, which reunited most of the cast of the show to give us a glimpse into what could have been. Chewing the fat in a TGIFriday with Tony, Andy and Aimee.  Standing with Lisa during the cosplay as she explained things. Toy-Fu breaking all the records. The little smile on Turnbulls face as he read the dedication in his copy of the sketchbook. 

Special shoutout to Thunderclash, who stole the show on Saturday night, not only from the Cosplay competition, but the stiff competition of the TFA event. What a guy, indeed.

Oh, yeah.  I bought some toys too.

Oof, this is getting on a bit.  So much gushing.  But that’s what TFN does to you.   Maybe I’ll just close out by saying thanks to all the people who made this such a fun and amazing experience.  My brother Ed, Temple, Kris, Jim, Gav, Lindsey, Lisa, Aimee, Andy T, Andy K, Billy, Dave, Nick, Ralph, Karl, Matt M, Llama, Jo, Kei, Claude, Becka, Jon, Thew, Chris, Geoff, Petrina, Isa, Gareth, Andy S, Zero, James, Mark, Matt D, Colin and all those whose names I was either too drunk or too autistic to remember.  Thank you for an amazing time. You’re all amazing, and you’d better believe it.

And yeah, Sprite.  You were missed.