I see the Tate is celebrating a queer art month. I'm not sure how I'd feel about my work being pushed or celebrated purely because of the orientation of my sexuality. If it forms a basis underpinning all the work an artist creates, sure but...
I mean, if all I painted were waterlillies, would I still be included? Where's the relevance?
It makes me doubt my always shaky claim to queerness. As a few things have this past days. Not ready to detail yet, but as far as myself outside of art is concerned there is a lot to think upon. Whereupon these spectrums do I lie?
Anyway, I'm sorry it's been a while since I posted. The Lockdown gives me nothing but time to think, and yet I am ever reluctant to put anything down for posterity. Commitment is my enemy, even to holding thoughts accountable. I draw, I paint, I submit. I wait.
Art is diminished. The things I want to do I cannot. I have neither the space nor the resources. I am reduced to creating only that which I have always created, except I am cut off from the fanart side of things. I hold myself lacking in comparison to my peers, and they are so far above me... so, mentally, I have given up. Especially harder when the one guy that everyone fawns over is my brother. I exist in his shadow, and I cannot compete. Deservedly so, as he has been more committed than I, but it still makes me all the more aware that I am Not Good Enough, and so I cease, and so I am diminished further.
University continues to be a bitter waste of my time. But I have wasted more time these last twenty years, so I shall keep my head down. If I am to fail, it will not be because I have not tried, moan though I may.
That'll do. Thanks to the Tate for sparking this post, I guess.
Peace.
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